I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
