He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
