why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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