Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
