I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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