and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
