i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
