its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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