she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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