Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
