if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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