cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
