New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I love having hate sex.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
