I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
