worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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