I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
