I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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