just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
