Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it's like iHOP with fire
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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