If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
