He uses pillows to masturbate.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
