All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Someone signed my nipple.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
