so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
