How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
