you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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