I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
