It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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