I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
