that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
