I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There's even glitter on my cock...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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