i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
