Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
