3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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