I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
