all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
