New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
