Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
