I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
COCAINE IS GR8
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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