I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
