there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
