I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
