Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
