I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
