I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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