after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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