I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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