wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
