on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
