there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
