If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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