Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
