I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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