haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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