I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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