If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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