The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
